Ask vs Guess culture: Why your hints aren’t working

Nat: So I was looking through the comments on our podcast, which by the way you can do. If you’re listening, you can apparently comment. I don’t know how, but you can, and people do. One of the comments I saw was from a while ago, and she said, have you heard about ask versus guess culture? Which of course I had not. So I did a very quick Google and sent the link to Kristen going, we need to talk about this, this is really interesting. But I didn’t look any further into it and now have a very vague recollection of what it means. So Kristen, do you want to kick start this week’s podcast by telling us what ask versus guess culture is?

Kristen: Let me give a little context. I’m going to throw back to 2007, where someone posted on Ask MetaFilter. Think Reddit 1.0. They had a friend who kept inviting herself to stay at their New York City apartment, and the poster was…

Nat: That person is me. I’m like, can I stay? Can I stay?

Kristen: Who wouldn’t want to go to New York, right? And have free accommodation. Anyway, the poster, the New York apartment owner, was frustrated because they’d already made excuses to avoid hosting her, but now she was asking again. She did not get the hint. So they posted on Ask MetaFilter asking how to say no without being rude.

Someone posted a response, and this is the response that’s gone viral and created this whole ask versus guess culture thing. She said this is basically a classic case of ask meets guess culture. Some people are raised to think it’s fine to ask for anything, and they accept they might not get it. They’re like, you can’t get what you don’t ask for. Others are raised to only ask if they’re sure the answer will be yes.

So the friend asking to stay was an ask culture person, possibly fine with getting a no, but why not ask? And the poster, feeling pressured and making excuses, was a guess culture person. That explained why they were frustrating each other. And it went viral because everyone was like, oh my gosh, I so relate to this. I’m this in this context, or I’m that in that context. People have been referencing it since 2007.

Nat: It reminds me of something I learned on my favourite research channel, Instagram. Someone was talking about how neurotypical people do this weird conversation thing that’s really confusing. One of them might say, what game are you playing? And a lot of neurodivergent people will go into a lot of detail about the game to answer the question. But what a lot of neurotypical people mean when they ask is, can I play? They’re not even asking if they can play. They’re just saying, what is the game? And you’re meant to interpret that and figure out not to give them a ten minute lecture on the game, but that it was an ask to be included.

That sort of feels like this too. We talk about it a lot with culture as well, cultural norms around communication. They’re just these unspoken, unwritten rules, and when you’re not aware of the rules you’re constantly baffled. This feels like a really interesting one, where I’m sure none of us got told, in whatever upbringing we had, that in this household it’s offensive to say no. But we adopt them. And then when you clash against someone who’s come from a totally different background, you’re playing by different rules and very confused by each other.

Kristen: I couldn’t agree more. And on the cultural point, it’s not only the families we’re raised in, it’s cultural influences as well, even at a national level. We’re going to Japan this year and, speaking of Instagram, I must have clicked on something because now every third reel is tips about Japan, and half of them are the cultural no-nos and all the things you can misstep on. There are so many ways to offend people in Japan, so many unspoken rules. And equally, some cultures are really direct communicators. Germans, for example, stereotypically might not be humorous and might ask directly for things. So even at a national level, and heritage is really interesting too.

But let’s go into ask culture. This is direct requests, direct answers. A yes is a yes, a no is a no. So you might say, hey, can you help me with this? Could be at work, could be at home. You ask, they answer, everyone moves on. What’s guess culture, Nat?

Nat: Well, I was thinking with ask culture there’s another element to it, which is that a no is not a rejection. There’s no emotion tied to a no. I’ve noticed this even since Kyla moved in. Her auntie said a while ago, hey, can you look after your nephew, I want to go on holiday. And Kyla was really comfortable saying no, that doesn’t work for us. And I was like, oh, I’m not sure how well that would go down in my family. I feel like in my family I’m more guess culture. So it’s just interesting. There’s no offence taken.

Kristen: I like that. Because there is rejection, they’re rejected all the time, but there’s no offence taken as a result.

Nat: There’s no emotion tied to it.

Kristen: That’s right. They’re inviting either a yes or a no. But I think rejection in itself is a loaded word, when it’s actually just, I can or I can’t, I want to or I don’t want to. There isn’t a rejection there. It’s just, you’re an autonomous person, I’m going to ask you, and I’d like clarity either way. I feel like we say that a lot at Powrsuit, because having grown up in a guess culture, which I’ll explain in a second, I find it really frustrating. I’m like, just say. I don’t care either way, I just like to know the answer. And I also don’t want to put you out if you don’t want to.

So, guess culture, which I feel like I’ve probably grown up in more, though it’d be interesting to see if my parents think that’s true. Reading between the lines, there’s emotion tied to the no, or a sense of rejection, or a sense that it’s rude or uncomfortable. What that creates is an environment where you only ask for something if you’re pretty sure the answer will be yes. So instead you hint, you nudge, you test the waters to see if someone will offer without you having to ask.

Rather than saying, can you help me with this difficult project, you might say, I’m really struggling with this project, and hope that someone will go two steps forward and say, oh, I can help you with that. It creates this really ambiguous communication where we leave other people guessing, which I suppose is why it’s called guess culture, about what we actually want. But the motivation, or the way we’ve been taught, is that a no damages the relationship, or it’s a rejection, or it makes everyone uncomfortable, and we probably feel uncomfortable with it. So we dance around topics to avoid an outright no.

I was trying to think of some examples and I keep coming back to this. I don’t know if it embodies guess culture, but I think in many instances there’s a power imbalance. And I don’t mean power in the sense of have and have not. I mean power as in there’s someone in the know, or with the asset, or with the thing, and there’s someone who needs something. So there’s almost a power imbalance, and I was wondering whether that influences if it becomes a guess instance or an ask instance.

Say someone has a private jet and we want to go to Hawaii. We probably wouldn’t ask the person who owns the private jet, hey, can we go on your private jet? This is someone with the power, we’re in a…

Nat: Because we don’t care about climate change, Kristen. We’re not going to go on a private jet when we can go on a Jetstar.

Kristen: Bear with me here. But we might hint that we’re going to Hawaii.

Nat: I think you were raised in a guess culture.

Kristen: Was I? Possibly raised in a guess culture. But I was trying to think of instances, and there is something about power in there. And then, of course, caring about it.

Nat: That’s why I say I think you were raised in a guess culture, because people who were raised in an ask culture don’t feel that power imbalance. They’re like, I’m going to ask and you’ll say no and that’s fine, onwards. Can we go on your private jet to Hawaii? And then I, as the owner, would be like, no. And I don’t think it’s even as straightforward as no. It’s more like, no, I don’t rent it out for that, or no, or it’s going to cost this much. There’s just no emotion around it.

Kristen: I agree. But you know what’s interesting, and this is why I made that correlation, which clearly was messy. I have no problem asking people to do something when I’m in a position of power or authority. I don’t have issues asking for something when it’s their job, or they’re tasked to help me, or asking my kids to do stuff. There’s no guessing in those environments. I’m in a position of power and authority.

Nat: But that’s the first point of guess culture, isn’t it. You only ask if you’re pretty sure the answer will be yes.

Kristen: Yeah, right.

Nat: So I think that’s a typical example of guess culture. And honestly, I love the private jet example, because I think we should start asking around. There are some fabulous people doing experiments, like exposure therapy on rejection, just asking random strangers for all sorts of stuff and really shocking themselves by how much people say yes and get really excited about including them.

Do we want to list some other examples? Because I had one in the holidays, actually. We were all staying up the coast and various people would say, we’d like to pop in. My guess culture background made me really uncomfortable saying, actually, I don’t want people arriving all day every day, we wanted some downtime. So my instinct is to make up an excuse. Kylie gets the same message and she goes, we’ll just tell everyone to come on one day. This is what works for us, tick. Whereas I’m like, oh, but what if I offend them? What if they feel unwelcome, because I don’t want them to feel unwelcome, because I really want them there, but I’m trying to balance it with my downtime. And I work myself up.

Kristen: And there is no offence taken, because you can say, and it’s not even no, you just say, this is what works for me. And they’re like, sweet, that works. Or others simply ignore it, because if they’re going to be nuanced and not clear in what they’re suggesting, let it go over your head. I’m using parentheses. And just move on.

Nat: So let’s change the subject to the clash. I think what happens is, when you think saying no is a rejection or a bad thing, people who are part of the ask culture do feel presumptuous or pushy. Whether they’re saying, can I borrow your private jet, or even your lawnmower, or can I come over, or can you do this thing, or can you take this on. And when you’ve grown up in guess culture, your assumption is they’re only asking because they assume a yes, and you then feel really pressured to say yes, because you don’t have a concept that it’s fine to say no as easily.

Kristen: I think this is where… I’ve been in a number of mum groups as my children have grown up, and quite often I’ll find wives complaining that their husbands don’t do enough around the house. In certain instances there would have been an unclear or vague comment about the washing machine being done or the dishwasher being done, and you’re burning eyeballs into the back of their head, like, so do it. I think that can be a really interesting dynamic in a partnership as well.

Nat: And gendered, because men do feel freer to ask directly, therefore perhaps are more comfortable in an ask situation, and don’t pick up on the nuanced statements women have had to use because of the risk of being seen as demanding or bossy.

Kristen: I can see that dynamic playing out a bit, and probably playing out at work. We talk a lot about the power of no and getting more comfortable saying no. That’s the other side of the coin to this. And this is really cultural as well. We’ve run this workshop in front of a lot of cultures where it’s much more communal focused, so you always help each other and offer and participate, and then you’re thrown into a work culture which is largely Western and directive, and you end up taking on way more of the load. So there are all sorts of little crossovers here.

And on the flip side, ask people seem pushy. This is a real light bulb for me, because I’m often in this pickle. I see it as boundaries, but I don’t think it is boundaries, where someone is, in quotation marks, not taking the hint. They’re probably just thinking, what hint is there to take? So it becomes passive aggressive, or it’s what we’ve talked about with ghosting culture, that last minute, sorry, something’s come up, sorry, I’m sick. It’s a way of avoiding a direct no because we feel really uncomfortable saying no. So it ties into a lot of somewhat problematic outcomes for people.

Nat: Absolutely. Ghosting culture is an interesting byproduct of this inability, or lack of bravery I suppose, to say no and have boundaries. But on the flip side, I was thinking of Kathryn Wilson, who we interviewed. The footwear goddess, the shoe guru. I’ve never owned a pair, actually. Do you own any Kathryn Wilsons?

Kristen: No. But you know me, I’m not a clothes, shoes, makeup gal. I do know a bunch of people who dream of her shoes.

Nat: This is someone who, by the way, seven years ago, I would open a desk drawer at the office and there’d be six pairs of high heels in it.

Kristen: And they’re still in my museum closet, because I don’t wear any of them. Green, you name it.

Nat: Anyway. Kathryn Wilson. We really dig into a key theme as part of our expert interviews at Powrsuit, and one of hers was, just say what you need out loud. So in a sense she was practising asking out loud. Maybe not initially asking for help, but it translated to that. She started by expressing her dreams, her goals and her needs out loud, which got her comfortable hearing it, and then it made it far easier for her. So in business she would say, I want to open a pop-up shop in Queenstown, I want to have a presence in Queenstown. She’d just say it out loud. And the more she said it, the more comfortable she got asking an advisor, I need your help to open a pop-up store in Queenstown.

I think that’s an interesting bridge. I didn’t want to serve up a solution, but I like that. What are some baby steps, rather than immediately going, oh gosh, thirty, forty, fifty years of conditioning and all of a sudden we have to be direct communicators. Let’s start small.

Kristen: Is there an assumption here that direct communication is better? It feels like a smart assumption.

Nat: I think there are caveats and it’s nuanced, isn’t it. Carly Dober from Enriching Lives Psychology has done a lot of research on communication, and her stance is that direct communication is better. There are strengths in an ask culture. There’s shared understanding, there’s efficiency in getting to an outcome, and it’s less open to interpretation. When things are muddied and not interpreted well, we get miscommunication and conflict. But she did say that guess cultures exist for a reason, because guess culture can reduce conflict, it can protect relationships, and it can honour other cultures. So it’s a nuanced thing. You have to figure out what works best for that scenario, for that relationship, for that dynamic.

Kristen: I agree. I think ask culture does rely on a genuine belief that a no is okay. If you’re saying, hey, can you help with this project, and someone saying no is not acceptable to you, then it’s not really an ask either, because you’re giving an order.

So I wonder if there’s a phrase we could use. I feel like we say this a lot at Powrsuit. The other day I sent an invoice to one of our partners, because a couple of members wanted to renew, and I said to them, I’m doing it this way to take the admin load off you, the back and forth, and if you have any problems with that, please just tell me. I wonder if there’s a way of saying, can I borrow your lawnmower, please say no if for any reason it doesn’t work for you. Giving people permission to say no when we’re asking. Because if your preference is asking, you also have to be actively open to a no. Or in other cases, I’d really love it if you could do this and it means a lot to me, where you’re effectively pushing for a yes. I think we should separate those two things out.

Nat: I like that. I was thinking of a recent instance where I asked in an indirect way. I could have been direct, but I was speaking to someone very well connected, and I said, look, we love to do these expert interviews, we’re looking for fabulous humans, if you’re aware of anyone in your network. It was so interesting, because I appreciated she was really busy, she’s running a business, and I did the classic, don’t want to bother her, but I know she’s also well connected. Not only did she say yes, I’ve got a few people in mind, she said, I would love to be interviewed as well. So it probably felt passive aggressive, but I thought of it as an entry point into her network, and then she volunteered. I didn’t mean to make it sneaky, but it was three for one.

It would be interesting if I’d just come out and said, would you or anyone in your network like to, and it’s totally fine if you’re too busy. It’d be interesting to know.

Kristen: And I think your point about it being gendered, and of course hashtag not all everyone, but if you’re finding yourself in a lot of dynamics where you feel misunderstood, or your hints aren’t being picked up on, that might be a good nudge to try a little more directness. Like everything, it’s a continuum. A hard no is probably never going to feel that comfortable for people, so there’s always going to be a bit of padding and a bit of kindness wrapped around it. It’s just maybe introducing a little more directness. So rather than going, oh, that rubbish stinks, going, hey, can you put the rubbish out? Or if it’s a thing you’re always having to remind someone to do and you don’t want to, then, hey, can we have a chat about how we organise this?

Nat: In that scenario I think of the emotional energy that comes as a result of not being direct. The she should have, and they could have, and I would have. But I also think of the mental energy of asking for a favour when a comment is dropped via text. Kyle showed me a text the other day and said, I’m pretty sure this is what this person is asking of us. And I said, no, maybe, I don’t know, I don’t think so. So that person is expending energy hoping they get the right answer, if that was the intention, and Kyle and I are spending a lot of energy trying to read between the lines and figure it out. So it’s not only your mental energy, it’s possibly the other person’s as well, because they’re trying to figure out exactly what you meant by that, and should I care, and do I not care, and how do I navigate this.

And then on the asker side, if you find yourself very direct and it’s mind boggling to you to be in a culture that simply isn’t, there are a few suggestions. Think about the nuance and the timing. Think about, as always, putting yourself in that person’s shoes. You may not want to put them on the spot. So, like you said, soften. They could equally soften their language in terms of giving permission.

Let’s go back to the very excellent private jet example. Can I borrow your private jet to go to Hawaii puts a lot of onus on the other person for a yes, a no, or this is how much it costs. They have to front foot the terms of what that might look like. So if you’re an asker, you can show thoughtfulness or consideration by saying, hey, I’d really like to go to Hawaii, do you rent your jet out to people, and how much would it cost? And they’re then in a position to come back and say, just take it. Honestly, if you’re in that position right now, we wouldn’t say no. Actually, we would. But we do want to find a private jet. You’re front footing the questions they may have, or the information they might want before saying yes.

An example of this on a smaller scale is something we hear a lot these days, and we’re involved in this a lot, around women being asked to speak. Can you come and talk at this thing? And there’s no mention of compensation. So when we get asked that, we’re put in a position of going, are you planning to pay us for our work, are you planning not to pay us? We now need to come back and ask all these questions that make us feel uncomfortable. Whereas if someone asks, hey, can you come and speak at our event, we don’t have a budget, or here’s our budget, does that work for you, you’ve shown a lot more consideration with your ask. Sometimes saying yes or no and expecting the other person to do that work is putting a lot of onus on them to figure it all out. Maybe the tweak is to take on some of that work before you ask.

Kristen: Agree with all of the above. I’m just thinking of a couple of, again, weird scenarios from my life. I think there’s a bonus scenario, where you’re like, I’m probably not going to get the private jet, I’m going to pay for flights to Hawaii anyway. But if I let them know I’m going to Hawaii, you never know. I’m going to Hawaii anyway. There are instances where there’s bonus culture. So I might be going to Croatia in a couple of years, and I might just mention to my friends in Croatia, we’re coming, it’d be great to see you. Bonus culture might be that they invite us to stay. I don’t know. But it’s okay if they don’t. There are scenarios where I don’t have to, I don’t need to, but that would be a bonus.

Nat: I love that you’re justifying guessing, because that’s kind of the point. Either way, you said it’s okay to say no.

Kristen: But what if I didn’t want to stay there? If they asked, it’s okay. I don’t want to, but if you ask, I do. That’s what I mean. It’s a bonus.

Nat: It’s a really great example of why it’s so ingrained, because an asker would just say, well, if I want to stay there, I’ll ask, and it’s a bonus if they say yes. I don’t know any askers. Do you know any askers? Like out and out askers?

Kristen: I think it’s not really a New Zealand trait. I do know that in the past I was pulled aside by a South African co-worker who said, am I really rude? And I was like, no. I mean, I am pretty direct. I like clear communication. It’s like I’m probably South African, I don’t know.

Nat: And I bet he’d been told a lot of people found him really rude, because he probably was an asker, amongst other things. More direct, more clear, all of that.

Kristen: And that’s a personal brand thing. People like to work with people they like, and like to do things with people they like. So, tricky.

Nat: But I think it’s probably American culture, probably a lot more ask. Canadian. New Zealand probably the extreme opposite. Germans, and I’m stereotyping here, probably more ask, I would say. Japanese probably guess, based on some of the unwritten…

Kristen: I think Swedish as well. Somehow my reels equally included Japan and Sweden. How did that happen? We had a thing on small talk, where they hate small talk, which leads you to believe they’d be direct, right? But no, they just want deep conversation. And they’re also a guessing culture. There’s so much nuance in language. A comment you might get means something totally different in Sweden. And we are wrapping up, everyone, don’t worry.

Nat: Oh God, that would make me nervous. And I agree this is a very last tangent, but I’m obsessed with Hamish and Andy, I’ve been listening to a lot of their podcasts. They’re Australian comedians. I find them really funny, but I also like their business, the way they build brands and community. I think they’re really clever. They interviewed Hillary Clinton once and she said, oh, if you come to America, you have to come out for a barbecue. Which is an exact example of this in reverse. And as part of the comedy act they were like, we now have your ask on record, inviting us to your house. Which of course is a really polite American thing to say. And so then they follow up, and there’s this whole thing about her being held to account for her invite to have a barbecue at her house in America.

When we’re thinking about diversity in workplaces and all the different ways our brains work, we add so much complexity for people to understand.

Kristen: I’m calling a timeout, only because that’s a whole other podcast. It really is, because last night Adelyn came home having bumped into someone at the gym who was an ex, and the ex was like, we need to hang out. And Adelyn was like, is that legit or is that not legit? Because you know how often you bump into someone and it’s, we must go for a drink. So, timeout on that one. We’re going to do a whole other podcast.

Nat: People offering and suggesting when it’s actually just a pleasantry. It’s so weird.

Kristen: Anyway. Thanks everyone. Powrsuit.com, come and get in touch. And this is episode 150, by the way.

Nat: And I’ll ask rather than guess. Write us a comment, because it might spark another podcast.

Kristen: How do you write a comment?

Nat: In that case we won’t let you say no, just do the five star review. Or a comment, if you can figure out how to do one. I was about to log into Spotify and look. Anyway, do it all. Take care, everyone. We’ll catch you next time. Bye.