FOMO is messing with your progress

Kristen: I got interviewed by my niece yesterday. She’s fabulous – she’s at university and she’s a real go-getter. She said, “I’m going to start a podcast,” and I’m like, of course you are. And she’s like, “Will you be my first guest?” And I said of course I will.

It was interesting. She was asking me all sorts of questions about careers and other stuff, and one of the things that came up was how often she compares herself to others. She felt that at university she had to be doing a certain degree, or be in a certain place, or have a certain standard of living. And she was already talking about her career, this big, high-flying corporate law career she wants, and how it compares to others. And I thought, wow, FOMO is real. So I thought we’d chat about that today.

Nat: Let’s do it. Amazing.

Kristen: OK, so this is that classic, very human feeling that you’re doing fine (and the reality is that most of us are doing fine) but everyone else seems to be doing better. Obviously that’s an exaggeration, but that’s the feeling of FOMO, and it’s messing with our actual progress.

Interestingly, FOMO officially entered the Oxford Dictionary in 2013. Before that we just called it jealousy, or keeping up with the Joneses. Which made me wonder, do you say “keeping up with the Joneses” here?

Nat: Yeah.

Kristen: Great, so it’s a global phenomenon.

Nat: That’s one of those terms we need to look into the origin of. Add it to the list.

Kristen: I know. We could quickly do that, by the way. But yes, there’s this feeling of looking out at your neighbours and constantly comparing: your car to theirs, your house to theirs, their new robot vacuum cleaner or Nest camera or whatever it is. Which I’m guessing is where keeping up with the Joneses came from.

So it isn’t new, we just called it something else. But I think the scale of it is new. Most people would credit social media for that, because it’s in our faces all the time. On LinkedIn, everyone’s success is in our faces. On Instagram, everyone’s incredible travels are in our faces. So FOMO isn’t new, but I think the scale of it is. Would you agree?

Nat: Yes. This is an interesting topic, because I don’t think I really have it, and I think that comes down to two factors. One, my mom never let us keep up with the Joneses. She’s allergic to the idea. She hates comparison and doesn’t really care what anyone else does. She’s like, “We know what we’re doing and we’re going to keep doing it. I don’t care if you don’t have the cool clothes or the cool stuff. Be yourself.” That’s been a huge influence in my life.

And secondly, we get asked this a lot by Powrsuiters: “What’s my purpose?” or “What are my values?” I think when you’ve got those down, all of this fades away. When you know what you love and what you were put on this earth to do, you can look at something and go, “That looks cool for them, but it’s not for me,” and you don’t get that same feeling.

Kristen: I love that. Clearly your mom had a really strong North Star around purpose and values and instilled that in you, which is incredible. We’re going to get into a few solutions for getting out of those pickles, and I think that’s a really strong one.

Nat: For me personally, to be fair, my Instagram feed is largely DIY and dogs. Now there’s some horse content creeping in, and randomly, designer handbags. I don’t know why that’s where I’m at. But I talk to a lot of other people who say Instagram is really bad for confidence and really bad for comparison, and we know this with young people. Everyone’s lives look better. There are some obvious tactics there, but the world is very much designed to make us feel lesser. There are a lot of companies that profit off making us feel like we’re not thin enough, not pretty enough, don’t have the right clothes, the right designer handbags, the right job, the right car. Because the more we feel that, the more open we are to buying stuff from them.

Kristen: It’s so interesting that you don’t seem to be wired that way. We talked about fear a few episodes ago, and how Kyla maybe wasn’t wired for it. I think it was fear, wasn’t it? There was something with Kyla where I said I don’t think she’s wired to…

Nat: Kind of. You accused her of not having an amygdala.

Kristen: But ironically, FOMO comes from the amygdala. When we’re presented with information, it’s filtered through our amygdala, and quite often other people’s success triggers it. It’s a very natural, wired reaction to external information. And I think some systems process it differently.

I think nature and nurture are both real. It’s possible my amygdala is incredibly sensitive, because my stress hormones are released massively quickly. I didn’t know that about myself, that I get fired into fight, flight or freeze mode multiple times a day. So I think I’m sensitive to it by birth. I do think I’m wired that way.

But I was probably socialised into it too. My mom had equally strong values about who she was, but I was the one in the second-hand shops in Year 6 and 7, a 10- or 12-year-old kid, looking for second-hand clothing with the right label. I went to a school where you were made fun of or ostracised if you didn’t have the right label. That mattered to me because I felt the pain of not fitting in so massively. It was my amygdala – I was so sensitive to that pain. So I very quickly learned how to fit in, and it was buying second-hand clothing with the labels.

I’m not saying it’s been an affliction my whole life, but I 100% feel it. I can remember a very recent episode. We’re obviously in the grunty early stages of Powrsuit, and this year has felt hard for me personally (I’m not speaking for you, Nat). 2025 has felt grindy and relentless, and also so rewarding and amazing and challenging. But I can vividly remember someone else who’d started a new startup, and all the shiny LinkedIn posts that came up, and the money that was raised. It was so easy for me to fall into it. That wasn’t FOMO exactly, but the feeling took me back to, “Why is it so easy for them?”

One other story I want to share that was so real for me. I was 28 and trying to muddle through my career in Vancouver. I felt broke, and I couldn’t figure the system out. I couldn’t figure out how to game it. Other people were leapfrogging me or getting big promotions, and I just couldn’t make it work. I went to an excellent public school in Canada with really ambitious people and high expectations, and my friends were all off doing amazing things. Facebook was the thing at the time, and they were all on there with amazing titles. They were managers or doctors, and I just remember feeling like such a loser. I was 28, broke in Vancouver, going, “I’m such a loser. I’m not a manager.”

Nat: I think because you do have quite a competitive gene, that probably makes it harder. My family just doesn’t have that gene. I didn’t quite get it.

But there are a couple of things in there I thought were really interesting. The amygdala, as we learned a couple of weeks ago (or last week, depending on how these roll out), is trained and learns over time. So I wonder if, in your experience, being different felt unsafe, whereas for me it didn’t. My amygdala kicks in about various other things, but not this one. Because I moved around so much, I was always the uncool new kid, but somehow I always figured out how to make friends. So my brain didn’t find being different scary. I didn’t feel like I needed to fit in, and I learned early that being different was a benefit, which is what Shelley Lombard learned and was teaching us, though it took her a long time to figure that out. I don’t think we necessarily control this, but if the little scared part of your brain goes, “Oh, this isn’t a threat,” then it’s not a threat.

Kristen: I mean, who knows. I’ll probably need years and years of therapy to unlock this, because I always say yes to the scary thing. I always do the different thing because I’m angry about being an outsider. I’ve got a chip on my shoulder that I wasn’t like everyone else. We all have something.

Nat: Yeah. Can I add to that? I’ve just come back from walking the Queen Charlotte Track here in New Zealand, which was incredible – highly recommend. Everyone should do it. Fly to New Zealand! The whole world was there doing it. It was amazing. During the walk, Dad told me to read this book, written by a New Zealand woman who’s a marathon runner. I’ll find the name of it and put it in our newsletter this week.

What really struck me (and it’s strange, given I was literally always the new kid at school but never felt like an outsider) was the number of experiences she detailed that were exactly like what you’re talking about. The sense of never fitting in, people judging her, not feeling loved as much. And this is her, not you! When I was reading those examples, I couldn’t help thinking my brain wouldn’t have interpreted it that way. Is it the amygdala or personality? Who knows, we’re not even going to try and psychoanalyse this. But it was so interesting to see how complicated humans are, and how these stories become really true. For her, it was never feeling good enough or accepted. She was short (presumably still is, she’s quite young) and little comments about her size became huge things to her. She found them so offensive because it was something she was ashamed of and couldn’t control. And I just thought, it’s almost fate, or luck. If someone finds your weak spot early enough and triggers it, that’s where your amygdala goes “unsafe.” Whereas if you have the same weak spot but it’s never prodded…

Kristen: I was going to ask, is there a happy ending to this? Should I read the book?

Nat: I haven’t finished it. But it’s interesting, because Dad’s interpretation (and this is also psychology) was that it was going to inspire me to run a marathon. I was like, hard no. My first impression of the book is that it’s just so sad. Her life was so sad. Maybe it gets better towards the end – I’m only halfway through. But I think she perfectly captures what you’ve talked about: that feeling of being an outsider, and how all-consuming it was for her. Nothing she did, not even the running, changed the belief she had that she was lazy, and that her parents thought she was lazy. Maybe they did. But she’s also really good at explaining other people’s perceptions in the book, and being like, “No, your dad does love you, but you can’t let that…” It was very interesting.

Kristen: I love it. If there’s a happy ending that’ll help me, hashtag therapy, let me know.

It’s interesting, because I think of my daughter, and I wouldn’t classify her at all as having my sensitive tendencies. She is fierce. She doesn’t shave her legs. She’s like, “I don’t care what the world thinks about me. I’m going to do my own thing, dress the way I want to dress, and be who I want to be.” She’s got this bravery, obviously raised by someone who is brave. I am brave and I take a lot of risks. But I think there was probably something early in my childhood. She was raised by two parents who loved her very much and really supported her, and I probably had some of that trauma. I had a dad who was very British: you have to act this way, these are the rules, you mustn’t be emotional, all that stuff.

Nat: Emotion – I think that’s the worst thing for you, being told that. I loved that we dug into that in a mini-masterclass the other day, the idea that having emotions isn’t bad. I think a lot of women have been told having emotions is bad, when what’s in our control is how we manage them. That’s the lesson we need to learn.

Kristen: Yeah, that mini-masterclass was great.

Nat: Continuing on with this, I think the bravest people are the ones who feel this and still move forward. Genuinely, I feel like I got such a pass on this one. We’ve got other things, but on this one I got a pass, and it’s one less thing on my brain. It’s the same as what we’ve talked about before with appearance and weight. I remember making that decision, “I’m just not going to spend brain power on this,” and it’s like, oh my gosh, what a dream, what a gift, to not carry that weight when it’s so ingrained. I feel hugely lucky that I don’t have it, because I know it’s so common.

The one thing I do relate to, which I was thinking about as you were talking: this last year has been brutal. And I remember seeing people, probably on LinkedIn, getting into these amazing roles. I’d never even considered going down a corporate path. I’d always just done what I wanted to. So I did the mental exercise of, “I’m feeling a feeling here.” That would have been really great. I’d have had a really sweet salary, been doing some really interesting stuff, making really interesting contacts. Do I want that life? I talked about it a bit with Kyla – I suddenly started questioning whether it was a life I’d totally overlooked. But then I went a couple of steps further and went, I’m not cut out for it. I can’t do that life. So I just went, “Oh well, I’m just going to be grateful.”

Kristen: To be fair, we probably would have been fired. We would have questioned too much. But anyway, here we are.

It’s so interesting. So this is for all the people who relate to how I feel. And your thing on weight is so interesting. All these expectations of what success looks like, and what successful people look like – I think that’s very hard to shed if it’s been ingrained, maybe through trauma or whatever.

Nat: For me, I think it’s my rebellion. That’s where my rebellion comes out. I know all these companies are trying to make me feel bad about myself so I’ll buy stuff from them, so my rebellion is: I’m not buying what you’re selling. I’m just not. It’s like what you said – you hate being an outsider, so you do the different thing anyway. My version, which has probably just tricked my brain, is, “I’m not going to let you sell me something by making me feel bad about myself.”

Kristen: Oh my gosh, that’s great. I love it.

Before we get into some tips people can try (and I’ll try them too), I think it’s worth pointing out some of the worst triggers. Often it’s people at your own age and stage getting promoted, featured or celebrated. It could be old colleagues or friends you went to uni with. It could be people pivoting successfully when you’re feeling stuck – they’ve made a brave change and it’s going well, or seemingly well. It could be updates that sound suspiciously perfect, because everything is amazing. There’s a whole raft of things that can trigger our amygdalas, depending on where we’re at in our lives.

So let’s jump to ways to get focused. FOMO is distracting, it makes us feel yuck, and it keeps us stuck. It puts us into decision paralysis: “Is this the right move? Should I?” So going back to your very first point about purpose and values, let’s talk about some ways to get focused, get moving and shed FOMO.

Nat: Great. Should we start with the comparison detox? I highly recommend everyone trains their Instagram algorithm the same way I have. The other thing I’ve started watching is financial advisers. There’s a call-in radio show in America where people ask for financial advice, which has obviously changed my algorithm again. The amount of debt people are in is horrifying.

And I think this comes back to the comparison detox. We compare our insides to other people’s outsides. Even on this show, people are like, “I’ve got this fancy car and we’ve done this,” and then, “I’m $100-and-something thousand in debt and most of it’s credit cards.” It’s an unfair playing field when it comes to comparing. The number of times you see a beautiful family update, and if you know the person, you’re like, “I know what their marriage is like,” or you know they haven’t been around the kids as much as they’d hoped recently. I was literally on a phone call before this, talking about another startup, and this person was saying, “Oh, they’ve done so well.” I know some of the people in that startup, and I was like, they obviously have done really well, but I don’t think it’s been anywhere near as smooth sailing as it looks online.

So I do think the comparison detox is really important, because it’s an unfair comparison. The only way to get ourselves out of it is to stop trying, and to remove the triggers. That means being self-aware: if you know something triggers you, don’t put yourself through it. You don’t have to. You can change your algorithms. If you know watching beauty influencers is going to make you feel ugly, don’t watch them. Your brain and your amygdala aren’t going to take into account that they’re using filters and have had lots of surgery and $1,000 treatments. I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s important. Swap them out for people who inspire you. I’ve been doing more running Instagram because I want to be running more, and I surround myself with average runners. I love watching the marathon runners for far-off inspiration, but I’m not watching people who are three times better than me. I’m watching people who are struggling and doing it anyway. I’m shaping my comparison towards people who are inspirational and relatable – people who are open about their struggles, so I can go, “Oh, you did it anyway, even though you struggled.” Rather than the people who are like, “I’ve done five kilometres before 3am,” which I’m never going to do. There’s no point me trying to compare myself to you.

Kristen: A couple of things. One is that no one’s going to share the tough stuff, how hard life is going… Actually, that’s not true. Some people are really vulnerable. You’re right, you can find them. So find them, and ruthlessly cut the others.

But I think this applies in person as well. We chatted a few episodes ago about friendships and how you can let some fizzle. If there’s someone you’re constantly meeting up with who makes you feel stink and triggers you, that might be one to gently let go of.

I love the comparison detox. I was listening to a podcast this morning that said it’s not even social media anymore, it’s algorithmic media. We’re not connecting anymore. We know it’s not healthy, but I love the algorithm. So look, if you’re going to spend time on it, get algorithms that make you feel happy.

Nat: I love it.

Kristen: I’m going to add one that we do every Friday. I’m going to suggest we rewire our brains with facts. This is about measuring progress on our own terms, and what success means to us. We celebrate wins every Friday so we can go, “We’re winning too,” and rewire our brains to look at things more optimistically and quell those self-limiting beliefs with some great wins. Progress compounds quietly. It’s not loud and it’s not always celebrated. So measure progress on your own terms and start collecting your wins.

Nat: I like that. And to all of you (we know you exist) who are now celebrating Friday wins with your teams, we congratulate you. That’s such a win. We love that people are doing that.

I’d like to take a step back from that. When you’re measuring progress on your own terms, you need to know what your own terms are. Take the examples we both gave before, comparing ourselves to another startup or someone else’s role. I genuinely think knowing your own terms makes it so much easier to be delighted for people without it affecting you negatively. When I look at companies who’ve raised money, I’m like, “That’s not my plan.” So I can go, “I’m so excited for you,” and not feel bad that I’m not doing it, because I know it’s not something I want to do.

We’re coming into the holiday season, so spend some time thinking about what success looks like to you. And I think we should do it fairly regularly, too. I hadn’t re-examined mine for about 20 years, since I was 20, and when I did, it looked quite different from what I’d thought back then.

My hack for this (it may not work for everyone, but it does for me) is asking, “What would I do if I won $10 million on Lotto?” It’s a great conversation to have if you’re out for a walk with someone, by the way. Really dig into what you’d actually do to make your life better. Kyla really holds me to account on this, because I’ll always go, “We’re going to travel,” and she’s like, “Well, we already do.” Then I’m like, “Well, I’m going to do this,” and she’s like, “We already do that.” When you think about what your ultimate dream life looks like if you won Lotto, you can get really clear and find out how close you might already be, or whether you’re heading down that path anyway. For most of us, the gap between us and our Lotto life is much smaller than the gap between us and a lot of other people in the world and the struggles they have. We’re already shaping what we want.

So being really clear on what you do and don’t want makes a big difference. I know I’m not a luxury car person, so I can see someone else’s luxury car and go, “That’s amazing,” without feeling jealous, because it’s not for me. I can admire it for you, but I know it’s not something that brings me joy, so I don’t go, “Why don’t I have one?”

Kristen: Thankfully I don’t feel jealous about cars either, which is great. There are only so many things. Nice sunglasses are what I want right now. I look at people’s nice sunglasses and I’m like, I want a pair of those.

Nat: Oh, I like shoes and sunglasses and earrings. Thankfully we shop at not-so-expensive earring places.

Kristen: I’ll add one more layer to that, which is getting really specific about a shorter-term goal. I ran a workshop this morning where I said, “Hands up if you have a 12-month goal,” and two people in the room put their hands up. A lot of people put their hands up for five-year and longer-term goals, which I appreciate. Got a vision? Amazing. But I’d bring it back down to: in one year’s time, what would success be for you? Will you have picked up new skills or capabilities? Will you be working with new people? What type of work will you be doing? What projects will you be on? What do you enjoy? What do you want to challenge yourself to? Maybe it’s speaking on a panel, or whatever that might be. Getting really specific about what success looks like in 12 months will help with FOMO, because when people are doing all that amazing stuff, you can go back to your plan. How am I tracking? What are my wins? I’m working towards a couple of really cool things, and if I achieve them in the next year I’ll be stoked. So I think that’s a good one too.

Nat: This is a great example. A lot of Powrsuiters talk about wanting to think more strategically, and this is a great opportunity to do that about our lives. Strategy is about narrowing in – going from all the possibilities and all the things we could do, to deciding what winning looks like for us and how we’ll win. That’s strategy. So apply it to your own life. What’s the goal I’m working towards? What does winning look like for my life, how am I going to get there, and what’s the next goal I can break it down into? I think that’s a really cool thing to do. What’s yours for the next year, Kristen?

Kristen: Well, I want to think about that. And the great thing with Powrsuit (everyone come and join Powrsuit) is that we’re running a reflection exercise, a mini-masterclass, at the end of this month, and then another in mid to late December, where we’ll look back at 2025 and ask what went well. Then I’d like to reflect over Christmas about what I want to do next. I want to get back into surfing. That’s important to me, and it feels like an easy personal one. I just need to start small, and I know all the hacks I need to do it. Professionally, I think reflection over Christmas is really important, so that’s what I’m going to do.

Nat: I like it. And I like that at this time of year we’ve probably ticked off a lot of our one-year goals, and now it’s time to move on to the next one.

Kristen: On to the next one! Thanks, everyone. Check out powrsuit.com and join us, because we’ve got so much good stuff going on. And if you’re listening to this in 2026, still join us, because…

Nat: You can watch on demand.

Kristen: Absolutely. Guaranteed to still have some great stuff going. So, powrsuit.com. Thanks so much for tuning in, and for sharing this episode with someone you know. Let’s normalise sometimes getting FOMO, and talking about how to get out of it. Thanks, everyone. We’ll catch you next time.

Nat: Bye!