Small talk that works: A no-stress guide

We’re well and truly into the frantic festive season, so it’s time to turn off your video camera and get social IRL.

Been a Powrsuiter for a while? The word ‘networking’ should no longer spark social anxiety. You know it’s about building trusting relationships with interesting people – including your colleagues. All those virtual coffees and pre-meetings provide great holiday party fodder. 

Didn’t manage to put theory into practice? No problem. Having ticked off fifty live events this year, we’ve presented ourselves with a PhD in small talk. We even have an entire episode dedicated to it on our award-winning podcast.

Through small talk, deep conversations grow 

No, not all strangers are friends you haven’t met yet. But all of them do fill their time with interests, family, sports and internet rabbit holes. The problem is, when you first meet, you have no idea what floats someone’s boat. Does Margaret have a passion for pottery? Is Mohammad a multisporter? Why does Neesha leave work at 3pm every Tuesday? Small talk helps you find common ground – it’s little breadcrumbs you throw out to create a path to deeper conversation. Your goal isn’t to stick to weather chat; it’s to quickly test different topics until you land on something interesting. 

Same start, different destinations

Your conversational destination will change from person to person, even if your starting point is remarkably similar.

Let’s say sports is your hook. Mention a recent cricket match to Kristen, and you could find yourself deep-diving into sports, the politics of parents on the sidelines or the best US University scholarships. 

Make the same comment to Nat, and you’ll quickly pass through the best sports documentaries and wind up discussing media industry disruption or why women fall asleep to murder podcasts. Same breadcrumb, different outcome – that’s the joy of small talk.

Here are five common small talk scenarios and how to deal with them:

1/ You don’t know where to start

Contextual clues pave the path to great conversations, so prepare a few easily answerable questions based on the time of year, things in the room, or current events. Then actively listen to find more breadcrumbs that continue moving the conversation towards deeper topics:

• Did you see that [celebrity split, share market dip, football game, weather event]?”
• What are your [holiday, long weekend] plans?
• This is a great venue! What other events do they hold here?
• I love your [handbag, accent, earrings, lipstick, ugly Christmas jumper], Where’s it from?

2/ You’re stuck in a small-talk spiral

Small talk is not a destination; it’s a journey – one you want to travel quickly! It’s also a two-way street. Ask questions and offer answers that go beyond the basics. Aim to ‘yes and’ your replies with an additional thought or observation that creates another breadcrumb:

• Asked, ‘What do you do?’ Answer with your role or superpower and another interesting tidbit: “I’m an accountant, which is the complete opposite of what I wanted to be as a kid!”
• Asked, “What are you up to this weekend?” add additional details to your answer, like “I’m considering that new walk, have you done it?” or “I’ve been trying to keep my weekends unstructured so I learn how to be bored again!”

3/ Moving from life to work

We tend to default to life chat – family, pets, hobbies. No problem with that, but many of us crave better career conversations. A quick rule: Steer clear of complaining about how busy you are or how annoying your boss is – this isn’t a race to the bottom! Instead, you could open (or continue) a conversation by asking for insights or advice:

• You worked on [project, proposal], right? How did you navigate [stakeholders, deadlines, deliverables]? It seemed really smooth!
• How did you get started in [industry/organisation]?
• What’s the biggest work focus area for you right now?

4/ You’re doing all the work

Small talk is give and take, and when you’re stuck with someone who’s giving you nothing, it can get tiring, fast. If you’ve unsuccessfully thrown out a few open-ended questions, it’s ok to close the conversation. You can exit tactfully with these easy lines:

• Lovely chatting. I’m going to grab another drink!
• Nice to see you. I need to pop to the bathroom.
• Oh, I just saw [someone… anyone], I have to go say ‘hi’. 

5/ Small talk with bigwigs

The office end-of-year party is a good place to introduce yourself to someone a couple of rungs up the ladder. Yes, executives are just people, too, but if you want to make a positive impact, be prepared. Know your goal, do some research (LinkedIn!), and pay attention to social cues like body language. Some quick openers: 

• Hey, I worked on your [project, team, initiative]. May I quickly introduce myself? (Make sure you have an appropriate elevator pitch ready!)
• I heard you’re involved in [sport, hobby, charity]. Are you going to the [event, competition, group]?
• I just [watched, read, listened to] your latest [report, update], and thought [highlight] was really surprising. Is it what you expected? 

Finding a connection

In New Zealand, Maori culture has a concept of Pepeha – introducing yourself by sharing people and places that are important to you. The goal? Connection.

Around the world (and throughout history), humans have created rituals that help us find common ground and deeper ties. Small talk is one such tool – use this silly season to get serious about building better relationships.