Stop Asking for Permission

Last week, we spoke to a fabulous Powrsuiter who’s on the hunt for her next role. She had just been forwarded a surprising job by a friend – a General Manager position.

Why the surprise? Well, if she’d come across the ad in the wild, she wouldn’t have given it a second glance – she needed ‘permission’ before believing she could apply.

She is by no means alone. We’ve had multiple conversations with allies who are frustrated by similar behaviour. They’ve advertised a role with a specific woman in mind… Only to find that the woman would ignore it until she was shoulder-tapped.

They all ask the same question: Why do women wait for permission? 

Conditioned compliance

In a world that labels women as ‘imposters‘, it’s easy to assume self-doubt is at the root of this phenomenon. But what if permission-seeking behaviour isn’t about confidence, but conditioning?

This shouldn’t be news to you, but it’s worth reiterating: For most of history, women have been absent from positions of power and influence. Laws, institutions, and cultural norms excluded us from leadership, property ownership, financial independence and decision-making. For a large chunk of the 1900s, we still needed a husband (and his approval) to open a bank account. The entire suffragette movement existed to demand permission for the right to vote.

Until very, very recently, women were often relegated to a supporting role. It wasn’t possible to just get on with it; we had to ask first.

But things have changed, haven’t they? Well, yes and no.

Overcoming a history of deference

More and more of the legislated barriers between women and equity are being dismantled. In many parts of the world, we now have autonomy over our bodies, the right to equal pay, access to (most) exclusive members’ clubs and can even apply for our own credit cards.

So why do we still wait for permission before taking what’s rightfully ours? Probably for the same reason that women’s sports have only just started attracting a crowd. Rules are relatively easy to update, but social norms, attitudes and behaviours take a lot longer. 

Many of our mothers taught us how to get men to agree by making them think our ideas were their own. Mothers on parental leave often need to ask their husbands for access to ‘their’ money. What is seen as assertiveness in men is still perceived as aggression in women. 

We may be (slowly) rolling out a better model for the world, but no one has created a new operating manual. So, smart women fall back on what we know ‘works’: Seeking permission.

But change we must

Seeking permission puts our hard-earned power back in other people’s hands, so it’s time to change our approach. The best antidote to ingrained conditioning is to challenge it with small tweaks to how we think and act. So, here are ten everyday ways we can all stop asking and start reclaiming our agency:

1. Notice when you hesitate

Find yourself waiting for someone to greenlight your idea, promotion or decision? Ask “What would I do if I didn’t need permission?” Do that.

2. Practice self-authorisation

Flip the script and start from a belief that you are allowed instead of assuming you’re not. Instead of asking “Can I?” start with “Why can’t I?” If you can’t come up with a good reason why not, proceed.

3. Interrupt your inner critic

Feel self-doubt creeping in? If your brain is telling you to stop, ask: “Would I give the same advice to a friend?” If the answer’s no, then don’t give it to yourself.

4. Make the first move

Great meeting facilitators call on different people to ensure all voices are heard. Most people aren’t great meeting facilitators. If you have an opinion, perspective or insight, don’t wait to be ‘picked’. You are in the conversation because you’re expected to contribute to it. Speaking up trains both you and the room to see you as a leader, not a follower.

5. Ask for feedback

Most of us want more feedback, yet very few of us request it. If you’re operating in a drought, you don’t have to wait for your manager to take the initiative – ask for the insights you need to improve. 

6. Negotiate

While women out-negotiate men, only half of us are doing it. You don’t get paid what you’re worth; you get paid what you ask for – so don’t leave part of your salary unused in a budget line.

7. Surround yourself with ambition

Spend time with people who model boldness, take risks, and act without waiting for permission. Confidence is contagious, so make life easier on yourself by catching it.

8. Start before you’re ready

You aren’t expected to know everything on day one, and you definitely won’t learn it until you start. Put your hand up for the promotion or project and embrace practice over perfection.

9. Stop justifying your decisions

Self-permission often sounds like fewer words. Practice saying, “Here’s what I’m doing,” not “Here’s why I think this might be okay…”

10. Say yes to visibility

Please don’t say ‘I don’t have anything to offer’. Ask for a speaking spot, turn up to an event, volunteer for a strategic project, post on LinkedIn, and take credit gracefully. Visibility isn’t vanity, it’s how you gain the credibility to get sh*t done. 

Challenge your conditioning

Most of us have been taught (often unconsciously) to wait for approval. There’s good reason for that – for a long time, that approach worked. Permission-seeking was a tactic that enabled women to get by in a world where the odds were stacked against us. But like a lot of conditioning, we have to realise when it no longer serves us.

More and more doors are being unlocked, but we still have to turn the handle to open them. It’s time to stop pausing to knock and start walking right in.

Psssst. Want more? Become a Powrsuit member for pragmatic professional development, available on tap. Our bite-sized mini-masterclasses deliver a step-by-step playbook for boosting self-leadership skills like this, so you can maximise your value without the burnout.