How to manage your manager

Yes, we get it. It’s not your job to manage your manager… Except that it is. 

It would be wonderful to have a boss who accommodates all your needs, exactly when you need them. It’s more likely you’ll have a human. Sometimes we forget this, but your relationship with your manager is a two-way street; they may have a lot of influence over its success, but so do you. 

When the wheels start to wobble, it’s all too easy to leap into the drama triangle and label them a villain – but it’s not going to solve anything. Whether you feel unsupported, overlooked or misunderstood, the fastest way to ease your pain is to become an active participant in shaping the relationship. It’s also a great way to practice self-leadership because stakeholders are a reality of work, and managing them is a critical career skill.

Fortunately, like everything else, small actions have a big impact. And because we know that one of the top causes of procrastination is delaying discomfort, we’ve made these ones as painless as possible.

Assume the best intentions

Hanlon’s Razor tells us to ‘never attribute malice to that which is adequately explained by stupidity’. Powrsuiters understand the powr of storytelling – but we sometimes misuse that power with the stories we tell ourselves. 

When a manager doesn’t meet our expectations, many of us immediately assume it’s deliberate. We take one data point and fill the gaps with a story: They enjoy undermining you, they don’t care about your success, they’re a control freak, they’re rude, mean, and emotionally immature.

Any of those things could well be true, but all you actually know is they spoke a little sharply during a meeting. And maybe, just maybe, you are now contributing to a poor dynamic by reacting to the story you created.

In theory, every five year old knows that assuming makes an ass out of u and me – but the practice of defaulting to best intentions is a lot harder.

Action: When talking to yourself (and others) about your manager’s behaviour, stick to the facts. Swap ‘they don’t like/understand me’ for ‘they don’t ask about my life’. After all, you only know what they did (or didn’t) do; you don’t know why – unless you ask. This takes us to the next step: 

Ask for what you need

Telling people what you need really is one of the easiest ways to get it. When people complain to us about their managers, we always respond with one simple question: Have you told them? 

Too often, we tell everyone but the person who can actually make a change. Yes, they may respond poorly, but yes, it’s harder than basking in the glow of victimhood; however, it’s also the best path to making your relationship more productive.

Been to therapy? You know to swap personality-based claims like ‘you’re mean’ with action/feeling-based feedback like ‘when you do x, I feel y or ‘when I struggle with x, I would love you to y. By focusing on the action and reaction, you remove blame and short-circuit a defensive response. 

Part of assuming best intentions on their side is approaching the conversation with your own – this is a genuine attempt to find a better path forward, not an opportunity to vent or j’accuse. It also means you should expect some feedback in return, because that’s the thing with dynamics: Both of you need to be open to change.

Action: At your next one-on-one with your manager, pick one thing you’d like to improve and share it (remember to include a suggested fix!):

• ‘When I get little notice, I feel overwhelmed. I know some things are urgent, but could we look at scheduling other tasks? Perhaps you could email/Slack/Teams me any new weekly priorities.’
• ‘When you skip our one-on-one meetings, we get out of alignment. Is there a better time, day, or method for catching up? I’m happy to swap to weekly email/Slack/Teams WIP updates and have a more structured catch-up less often if it means we make them happen.’ 
• ‘When you don’t give me context, I don’t feel I can deliver my best work. As we kick off new work, could we spend 5 minutes discussing the background?’

Tap into your support crew

We all know people who complain endlessly about busyness, work and people; it doesn’t solve anything. Yes, venting is critical to identifying your emotions and clarifying the problem. But at some stage, it stops serving you and flashes a ‘stay clear’ warning to everyone who is forced to listen. 

Your personal board of directors are your professional support crew – but they’re only as useful as you let them be. If you’re struggling to improve your situation, ask them for help. Listen to understand, be open to adapting your approach (no one is perfect), and commit to one action to try before regrouping next.

Know when to walk away…

The number one reason people quit their jobs is because of a bad manager. 

As paid-up members of a self-leadership platform, Powrsuiters embrace ownership over difficult dynamics… but there’s a fine line between ownership and self-sacrifice. A recent question in the network sparked a discussion: ‘When do I know it’s time to walk away?’

The conclusion: Walk away when you can, hand on heart, say ‘I tried everything I could.’ Self-leadership means knowing when you’ve played all your cards, and refusing to let yourself get played. In this case, giving up isn’t a failure; it’s a massive success.