Don’t apologise, do this instead

Three women walk into a bar. They all apologise.

For many of us, saying ‘sorry’ is as automatic as breathing. Women tend to do it more than men, but not for the reasons you might expect. We’re not more generous with our apologies; we have a lower threshold for offensive behaviour (gendered expectations strike again!). 

Over-apologising is detrimental to your career, no matter who you are. By frequently asking for forgiveness, you give the impression you need it. If it sounds like you’re making a lot of mistakes or that you doubt yourself, others will, quite rightly, start to question your abilities. So, if you want to convey gravitas, you need to break the habit. 

However. We don’t subscribe to the ‘never apologise, never explain’ school of leadership. Being able to own up to mistakes and take accountability when you get it wrong is a powerful way to build trust and empathy. Learning where and when to say sorry is a skill, so here’s the Powrtake on ‘pologies.

Pardon me, could I get a hand?

Rewiring your reflexes requires intentional action. If you’re like us, you’ll accidentally fall back on old habits, so get support! Call on your Professional Board of Directors to call out erroneous apologies, and use simple tools like this Chrome plugin to catch stray worries.

You shouldn’t say sorry when…

You haven’t done anything wrong

Have you ever bumped into someone and found yourself apologising? Did the other person accept your apology like it was your fault? 🙄 What about when you disagree, have a question, or need a hand? Many of us approach those situations like we’re in the wrong. Instead, we should:

Own our opinions: 

• “I’m sorry, but I disagree…” → “I have a different take…” 
• “Sorry, but I have a question” → “I have a question.”

Take up space: 

• “Sorry, I just wanted to say…” → “I have something to add.”
• “Sorry for interrupting” → “Is now a good time for a quick question?”

Remove blame: 

• Bumped into someone? Replace “Sorry!” with “Oops!”
• “Sorry, I can’t…” → Say a professional no.  

You can replace ‘sorry’ with something better

An apology is a bid for forgiveness. By flipping the script, you take on the work of making amends and expressing gratitude:

Express appreciation: 

• “Sorry for the delay” → “Thanks for your patience.”
• “Sorry for burdening you with this” → “Thank you for listening.”

Accept feedback gracefully: 

• “Sorry for the mistake” → “Great catch, thank you!”
• “Sorry I missed that” → “Thanks for pointing that out; anything else I should know?”

Put yourself in their shoes:

• “I’m sorry to break this to you” → “You may not like hearing this.”

Apologies do have their place

It doesn’t matter how senior you are in your career; you still have to rely on relationships to get sh*t done. Refusing to acknowledge your mistakes is one of the easiest ways to undermine those relationships. An apology can go a long way:

When you’re in the wrong

Challenge yourself to avoid using the word ‘sorry’ – this will force you to clearly articulate what went wrong and what you’ll change as a result.

• “Sorry for overreacting” → “I over-reacted, which made the situation more stressful. In future, I’m going to hold off on responding until I’ve had time to process.”
• “Sorry for missing the deadline..” → “I missed the deadline because I underestimated the effort required. I recognise that this has delayed other areas, and next time, I’ll double the time I budget for this.”

If you’re late or forget a meeting

This is a contentious one, but we think it’s critical. You’re never too important to leave people waiting. We all forget things from time to time, so most of us are quick to forgive. Note: an apology isn’t an exercise in making yourself feel better. Keep it short, and move on.

• “I’m so sorry for being late; I had [emergency, holdup, etc.]” → “I’m sorry to leave you waiting; it was really disrespectful of your time, and I appreciate you waiting.”

Actions speak louder than words

Regardless of apologies, if you’ve fallen short of your own standards, reflection is a powrful tool. Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback, and spend some time thinking about how you might approach a situation differently next time. 

Ideally, you’ll avoid some future apologies!