Common ground isn’t soft, it’s strategic

For most of history, humans maxed out at about 150 social connections. We spent our lives in small villages without the means or motivation to travel, and because our experiences were largely shared, we had a lot in common with everyone around us. Stranger danger was a very real threat – why would someone turn up unless they were intending to invade or oppress?

Now, with social platforms like LinkedIn and TikTok, we suddenly have billions of connections at our fingertips. We can jump on a plane, in a car, or on the phone and talk to people anywhere and everywhere. So, it totally makes sense that the world is more divided than ever. 
 

United we stand

Social structures may have evolved, but humans take a little longer. Being surrounded by so many people forces our brains to work overtime, constantly discerning between friend and foe. So, our brains default to the formula that’s worked for us in the past.

There’s good reason why few of us enjoy discussing politics with weird Uncle Eric. It’s the same reason why media and algorithms have become more and more targeted. We feel comfortable when surrounded by views that affirm our own and actively seek the safety of our echo chambers. People like us are safe, so we prefer to stick with them.
 

Divided we fall…

Conversely, difference signals danger – it flies in the face of everything we want from relationships. So, when someone doesn’t think or behave like us, our brains unconsciously categorise them in the camp of ‘other’:

Don’t agree with my politics? You’re ethically bankrupt.

Don’t share my values? You’re morally corrupt.

Don’t align with my perspective? You’re in the wrong.

Don’t support my idea? You’re out to get me.

We take differences personally because we’re wired to.
 

Dangerous difficult dynamics

In an era of continuous change and uncertainty, it’s no wonder conflicts escalate quickly. We’re forced to spend a lot of our time around people we wouldn’t necessarily choose to interact with, and we’re doing it in high-pressure environments. Modern workers have to collaborate with a range of people to find productive paths through big economic, geopolitical and technology shifts. For a species that craves similarities, that’s a big ask.

At Powrsuit, we love diversity as much as anyone, but we also know it can make for a bumpier road. Any truly diverse group of people will bring a range of perspectives, backgrounds, values and motivations with them. Most of the time, these will clash. When the inevitable tension arises, it’s all too easy to assume malicious intent and start pointing fingers: bulldozing bosses, toxic team members, out-of-touch leadership, and stubborn stakeholders. 

Sometimes, other people genuinely are in the wrong. We’re all human, we’re all flawed, and we’re all guilty of sometimes behaving in ways we’re not proud of. But when labelling someone else the villain, you might actually be giving in to our shared desire to separate people into those who are like you and those who are against you.

If we want to find a path forward, we need to find a better way. 
 

Different views, shared goals

It’s ok to be frustrated, and you don’t always have to be the bigger person. We won’t judge you for judging, it’s human nature. But we no longer live in villages of 150 people. We need to get better at navigating relationships with all sorts of people, including people we don’t like.

When it comes to difficult situations, there’s one inescapable truth: it’s much harder to resolve a conflict or overcome a disagreement without first finding common ground. We say this a lot, and whenever we do, the inevitable response is “what if the other person is not willing to compromise/join me/change/help?”

Our answer? It’s not about them. 

The first principle of self-leadership is recognising that you can’t control everything (or everyone!), but you can control more than you think. 

What is common ground?

Quite simply, it’s the overlap in the Venn diagram between what you care about and what they do:

On the surface, it may feel like a mighty struggle, but as this other Venn diagram shows, where there’s a will, there’s a way.

You and your manager may fundamentally disagree on a decision. Common ground can be found in the motivation behind your disagreement; you both care deeply about the organisation’s success.

Your colleague may have wildly different views on social responsibility, raging against an initiative that you wholeheartedly support. Your common ground? You both care about healthy children, a strong economy or warm, safe housing. You may disagree on how to get there, but you do care about the same outcome.

Your child wants a tattoo? Your definition of ‘ugly’ or ‘poor decision’ may currently differ, but you can agree that neither of you wants a regert in permanent ink. 
 

A starting point to a shared destination

Most of the time, we join forces with others to get to a shared destination – a goal, outcome or deliverable. That’s a strong starting point to find common ground. Is it easy? Gosh no. It’s way harder than a default to division. But if we can at least challenge ourselves to find what unites us instead of focusing solely on what divides us, we’re in a much better position to make a joint step forward.

The next step? It could be as simple as saying, “We both agree on [x], so how can we better work together to achieve it?” 

We’re not saying the path ahead will be smooth, but at least you’ll be making a first step towards travelling it together.