Are you even listening?!?

We’ve just returned from speaking at the Westpac Women in Business conference in Queenstown (go there; it’s paradise!). If you’ve ever stood in front of a crowd, you’ll know how confronting it is to have a sea of blank faces staring back at you. Apparently, it’s a thing if people are concentrating, they tend to frown.

Of course, there are always exceptions – audience members who nod, smile and make a point of looking engaged. Hot tip: if you’re feeling rattled, look for them – we’ve been known to plant one or two for good measure. 😉

Why are enthusiastic participants so valuable? Because they’re practising a key component of active listening. Their body language demonstrates engagement; it communicates that what’s being said is valuable. While it’s not expected while attending an event (sit back and relax!), we’re big fans of using any opportunity to hone critical leadership skills. So, if you find yourself in a conversation in the coming days, here’s your practical guide to listening to understand.

Why is listening so important?

We often talk about the shortcuts our brains make to help us sift through huge amounts of information each day. These shortcuts mean we never come into a situation with a clean slate. We think we’re listening, but we’re actually distracted by existing beliefs and our eagerness to jump in with our own thoughts or all the other things on our plates. 

All these factors cause us to make assumptions about what someone is saying, instead of making the effort to hear what they’re actually telling us. This is a big problem because we miss important information, insights, and opportunities to connect when we don’t actively listen. 

What is active listening?

While body language is important, it’s not the point – this critical leadership skill is more about internal activity than encouraging nods. There are a few definitions for the mix of skills required to truly hear someone, but we like to put it simply: Active listening means becoming an expert at what the other person is telling you. 

Think about yourself as a researcher. You’re looking for physical, verbal, emotional and behavioural clues to build an accurate picture of someone else’s perspective. Some useful tactics:

• Maintain eye contact, lean in, nod, smile, and use your body language to reflect your interest. This will build trust and create a safe space for them to be open.
• Stay aware of your emotional reactions. Feeling defensive? Remember, you’re in research mode; this isn’t about you; it’s about understanding them.
• Resist the urge to jump in with your thoughts or solutions. Instead, ask questions to clarify specific points. “What do you mean when you say…” “Is this what you mean?”, “What have you tried so far?”
• Regularly check your understanding by saying, “What I’m hearing is…” or “It sounds like you are saying…”

When to stop hearing and start listening

Like everything, active listening is about practice over perfection. You may struggle to focus while your 5-year-old recounts their day, and that’s ok. But there are some situations where active listening can substantially shortcut challenges and boost performance, so start there:

Problem-solving

When someone comes to us with a problem, we tend to jump straight to solution mode. Instead, we should practice active listening. By giving someone your undivided attention and truly listening to what they’re telling you, you’ll better understand what they genuinely need. You’ll save time and energy guessing, and they’ll get the support they actually need.

The same rule applies to group problem-solving. By embracing active listening, you’ll build a strong shared understanding of the situation and different potential solutions, and you can achieve a better outcome.

Conflict

We know most conflict boils down to two things: mismatched expectations and poor communication. We’re exceptional storytellers, filling knowledge gaps with made-up facts: Your manager doesn’t like you, your co-worker competes with you, and your team member is lazy. 

Next time you find yourself in a situation that feels like conflict, flip into research mode. Make a point of becoming an expert on the other side of the argument. What are they feeling? What are their concerns? What’s their perception of the situation? You might find that by actively listening, you can immediately find common ground and spot some easy solutions. Conflict avoided.

Networking

We know that traditional networking doesn’t always work for women. However, there’s an easy solution to the fear of awkward interactions: surprise, surprise, it’s active listening. We all have our favourite topics of conversation, so get curious about the person you’re speaking to. Ask questions, pay attention, and be attentive. They’ll think you’re the most interesting person in the room, and you’ll be surprised at what fascinating insights you’ll uncover. 

Get active, start listening

In the Powrsuit network, we practise active listening through short activities in small breakout rooms. When forced to just listen, most members are shocked by how hard it is not to jump in – and how much more they learn.

For those speaking? The reaction can be even more overwhelming. There’s something quite emotional about realising just how rare it is to have someone truly listen.