The Drama Triangle: Are you a Victim, Villain, or Hero?

Most conflict is caused by miscommunication and mismatched expectations. But there’s another important element: dynamics. 

If you’ve ever watched reality TV (#guilty), you’ll have seen the powr of dynamics play out in all their wince-inducing glory. One perceived slight leads to a reaction, which escalates into a ‘situation’. Before you know it, a miscommunication about a baby shower RSVP leads everyone to question whether MomTok can survive.

Dynamics are roles, not people

When things get zesty, it’s convenient to blame people—Mark is uptight, Shruthi is rude, and Isabella is negative. However, the convenient option is often not the right one.

People don’t cause conflict; their relationship with each other causes it. We all play different roles in different relationships – the role you play with your parents will likely differ from the one you adopt with your friends. To complicate things further, our roles in different relationships change depending on the situation.

When challenges arise, we can subconsciously adopt unhelpful roles.

The Drama Triangle

Psychologist Stephen Karpman first described the drama triangle in the 1960s, and we’ve got to say, it doesn’t look like he’s updated his website since then. Unlike a love triangle, a drama triangle doesn’t need to involve three people. It simply defines the three roles we can fall into when conflict arises. Unfortunately, these roles tend to perpetuate the drama instead of solving it.

Powrsuit is all about self-leadership, and one of the fundamentals of leading yourself is self-awareness – recognising the roles you adopt can help you get unstuck. 

With that in mind, do any of these sound familiar?

The Hero

The Hero (or Rescuer) wants to jump in with a fix. Heroes are quick to take on other people’s problems and enjoy wearing the cape they’re given in return. While genuine problem-solving is effective, Heroes are driven by external validation. In their pursuit of immediate relief, they jump too quickly to solution mode. The result? They often don’t solve the underlying problem at all. Heroes:

• Dish out unsolicited advice.
• Redo other people’s work.
• Take action to minimise conflict in the moment without confronting the real issue.

The Villain

Blame is the name of the Villain’s game. Sometimes, they blame themselves (*cough* limiting beliefs *cough*), and sometimes, they blame others, but there’s always someone in the wrong. Villains are quick to create an unhelpful ‘us vs them’ dynamic that can escalate small issues into larger conflicts. Villains:

• Use the term ‘they’ to describe a vague and undefined group – or place the blame on ‘leadership’, another team or person.
• Resort to criticism and call other people incompetent or useless.
• Assert their authority or superiority and can become defensive if challenged.

The Victim

Victims are motivated by fear and powerlessness – they believe they’ve been wronged. By giving away their agency, Victims derive a feeling of “specialness” while creating a convenient excuse to avoid taking control. Victims:

• Use ‘poor me’ language like “Why does this always happen to me?”, “I don’t have a choice”, “everything is dumped on me”, “no one recognises my value.” 
• Exaggerate hardship – if you’re not working 160 hours a week, you’re probably not really “doing four people’s jobs.”
• Refuse to take responsibility for their circumstances – “There’s nothing I can do about it.”

A quick note: Sometimes, there is a real victim (abusive relationships, microaggressions, etc). As with all frameworks, there are nuances. If you find yourself calling someone a victim, it might be worth considering whether you’ve taken on the Villain role.

Like any great actor, you can play multiple roles

Unless you’ve achieved a monk-like level of self-awareness, you probably adopt all three of these roles at different times. You probably also cycle through them. Don’t worry, we all do.

Want to deal with workplace drama more productively? Next time you find yourself in one, pretend you’re in a scene in your fave reality TV show.

Ask yourself, “What role am I playing?”